This is your very first post. Click the Edit link and conform to the wishes of the masses of the desires of the few. Enrich the cycle of Poverty and let slip your ambitions and dreams. Allow yourself to become the sheep finding satisfaction in nothing and emptiness. Find false bravado in meaningless lusts and costs to maintain the need to feed the few.
Hello and welcome to my page. Im writing this to share all the things on my mind, my thesis, my studies and the gifts my friends have written for me. Give me some time and I’ll work this out and it will look much better
Hope everyone is feeling blessed and love! Many prayers and hope to continued prosperity and growth! My own journey has taken some very sudden turns and changes in priorities. And to help me reflect that this lovely little digital version of my personal reflection is going to help show that! I may not be able to respond to the daily prompts but I do encourage you to reach out and connect with me! I will be focusing any energy and effort not spent on my health and family here finishing thus.
As much as I want to say it’s a hopeful new beginning in a new phase of life, that is not what my care team has told me. Instead I am carrying the pain and fear of leaving behind the literal handful of loved ones left to me including the first one I have fallen in love with. I wake up after to little restless sleep and despise that I have pushed away the person who has whole and freely accepted me and still loved. And I feel the same, and instead of the life we have both struggled through this obstacle course to become number one at. What is the life awaiting all the hard work, sacrifice, healing, and heartache? I’ll fill you in soon…
I am such a contradiction here. Honestly I don’t mind any of the seasons, and find them all beautiful for special precious reasons. But do I like the cold? HHHEEELLLLLLSSSSS NNNOOOO!! Do I hide cry, avoid, and hibernate like I want to every year? Again no
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
It didn’t, but it did mean I spent a long night deep in thought. After failing to expand myself into the unwanted world of male socializing I realized how faded and dampened dating and the group of peers that interested me truly is becoming. I wondered longer if this was because of my resentment at not striking it successful as I had hoped or for other reasons. It’s so odd now knowing that I won’t garner instant success in dating simply because my wants and need are no longer there for a tool or requirement when dating. Self sufficient womens are NOT attractive I am finding out. Men I’ve encountered want to know that they will be participating and providing for me. That I will come to them for all the things I need. But I need their time. And no one has time for me. This thought scares me, because I need to find a way to ascertain undoubtedly if my sir has hurt himself so badly that he is beyond help. Damm where’s my Benz?
And this is how all night I was able to deliberate, scold, argue, and chide myself for even believing my risky date idea would work. But then I also think, that isn’t fair. I’m to prepared for this.
Yo I think this is it. Add melody from Linkin patk lp. So I’m lost sitting in the dark relating wondering why I be hating hurting now never feeling elated chasing dreams down a bogged pipe alone and never finding respite I only got the feeling spite left rt, so I hit another empty place inside wishing you could be here babe just by my side knowing I can never be the one to do you right but I keep delighting in the pain I feel knowing I’m just circling round myself again through a reel. It never gets any better although it doesn’t get as bad. When I’m lost Inside the darkness hoping this time I can’t come back. I wish for all the times I failed I could try to be the person that you see from the outside. I never thought I would die without you never thought you’d choose the lies and now I’m darkness and cancers bride hate it eats me killing flight any chance is cursed from your wife ask that baby momma what she did to me that night instead I give up and walk out and stage it so I fade shit
Take a make shift moment then one’s it cause I’m gonna push past make the most I’d dope and get it killed in me watch as everyone chases this. Oo bae look at me now I got hate to give, all the envy you feel is what everyone shares looking at my death till courage makes someone brave enough
Just wish it had been a different day for me and you to make a life and change to meet fuck we were robbed again
Have you ever fallen for another person? Have you had that moment where you realized how this person could take all the love and joy inside you and it wouldn’t matter? You’d make even more because they are in your life? The light and positivity that fully fills you now is beyond words except to day divine right, so blessedbis the feeling you can’t belive you are alive. Have you felt caught between moments and times when being with that other is the only thing that matters. Where they fill the day amd night with any of the words or
Last year I had you, now I am dying with disease slowly fading into oblivion. I’m accepting of this as the idea of living with out you is to painful, living was the hope to be back with you. Now fate takes it all away. Now there is no future I will ever get to follow and work for. Only a painful end stolen future from me again. Never does my heart hope and dream happen as I pray, pay, and make for it to work. Why? Why are the nasty white lies more than I? What does a single night have to offer over every day together? Who is and will be in love as we are again?
I am blessed to have been encouraged to do what feels risky even when every person, opportunity, and moment seems to be against it. But I decided that i would get back up and trust again and find a person and love to share life with. Maybe it seems silly, but love has elluded me thus far other than those I learned to love. And the burn and scarring from my most recent experience has made it so scary to want to step out into the world again. Instead of feeling like the usually jubilant excited and hopeful self I am, there’s a wall and shadow edging at my decision causing me to question where I would never.
But the healing did and does happen and moving through the disasters of incapable immature possibles downs my heart each time I fail to connect. Friendship blossoming and promising well the bloom of marriage and love fade quickly in my head. I learn the truth in my sensitive way, the hurt at each new level of disappointment in people grows. My beliefe in science and hormones let loose is even more impressed. Nothing is at all what anyone ever said it would be or I would feel, no in love for me. But worse is the negativity i feel as each day passes and I’m left to be pleased only barely rejected by my sweetest dream……… goodbye life love goodbye sweet marriage goodbye bond of growth and hope and life together for that one and me
And then I feel life has taken new route, revitalize with prosperity, and hard work and effort and unity to succeed. Feeding myself the energy I need to over come all doubts and fears. Past my past and livers of before, the hurt I e felt forgiven and once more seen with adore. Moving on past myself and into a life of age, what qas the meaning of your entrance why did you come when you did? I don’t know
Should I run? Should I hide? What’s with his eyes? Why dies he even interest me? He’s not my type. He’s flamboyant and flakey and a show off and thinks he’s a gift to life. It’s a lie. Can’t be bothered to tolerate his type. Besides he’s old and probably can’t keep up to me, I say over and over. But it’s a knot and tie and pain. I can’t figure out why, but I can’t stop thinking about you and want to make it stop and go away, WHAT IS THIS!?!? I ask and please and my gaybie relieves the tension. Your in love, WHAT!! NO NEVER!! it’s not possible… what do I do?. Should I take this chance on you? I do
It’s a burn down loss to frown and crown of how i feel emotionally in a physical manner my body fails dying faster and faster than I could believe or think This isn’t where I wanted to be. I wanted you here with me as happy and growing into a life of purpose and abundance together
Instead I’m crying in bed as tumors leak a foul vile liquid from all over my head. Every thing that happened to us so so clear, as the fog of illness destroying my heart and body. Fears of the end place possible, grotesque sores and body degenerated to the end of living. As I wash and run a hand over my head, more hair falling away burnt and dead. The tears of pain pass through over and over me. Small joy your gone and can’t see my face and ugly hair. Can’t be given more reasons to never be with me again.
Now I must make, new dreams and hopes to take place. For the chance of years with you is over. Years for me are gone period, only the hope I have enough time to plan and prepare for ending gracefully. But my heart can’t stop and fool that i am, I must reach for you and seek your love and words to find stable mind again. Uncertainty is prolific as I don’t know what to do. Your wisdom unending, your faith my star in darkness. And I see now my truth.
Riches mean nothing and family is a lie for me. Every sparkle of my life I’ve seen in your eyes. All I can think is that I must give you my love one more time, once before it’s done for good. How will I do so? The Lord will provide and show, but you to are lost. Lost to the demon witch and her lies of false riches and power. Maybe prayer will help aid you home
thequeenofheartsafire 
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