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thequeenofheartsafire

Perception, Intuition, and sharing my soul

Hello world!

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link and conform to the wishes of the masses of the desires of the few. Enrich the cycle of Poverty and let slip your ambitions and dreams. Allow yourself to become the sheep finding satisfaction in nothing and emptiness. Find false bravado in meaningless lusts and costs to maintain the need to feed the few.

Hello and welcome to my page. Im writing this to share all the things on my mind, my thesis, my studies and the gifts my friends have written for me. Give me some time and I’ll work this out and it will look much better

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Once there was a time where you and i, would spend hours and hours eacaping our life. Sweet harmonies as your childs voice would ring. Hushed quickly at the sound of mummy. Back and forth, black and white, little words with no meaning giving chance at better times. There has never been a point in my life, that wasnt free of perpetual lies. Of stories dreamed in the light of fright. Between two sisters trying to hide. The pain felt around and the insecurities ripe, as shouts and darkness filled the night. I haven’t lived or loved or tried. Lost to my fantasies that replace memories with lies. Then voiced by shame day in an out, to hide my poverty of what had been done. No friends or companions to share in the strife, just the sweet little girl left to survive and fight. And anger grew from games of escape, hatched under blankets to keep hatred away. Of fairy lands green and gold, her voice still echo’s of a life never known. A happy place filled with more you and I. A time of innocence to learn and explore. Comforted by fictional family and friends and hope. Of security on hungers empty belly as the streets scream by. Soft whispers to lull into sleep, a place more home like and safe for you and me. Left watching out into faded street lights, as faded people shadow by. Soft sweet breaths signify your asleep, watching to assure no nightmares are here. Tears straggle slowly down white chubby cheeks. Hamster wheels and sqeeking pipes, to keep me company well the night passes by. Sweet whimpers wake a half dozed dream, tucking comforters around you and offering safety. In the little girls shadow against the darkens wall. Voices mumble softly from down the hall. As as sighing snores escape your rest. Night fades to dawn and welcomed rest. Slowly lids shut and sleep presides as two sisters sleep side by side

Fear Makes No Sound

Hey does it feel as though the world is coming down? Crashing all around me I slowly feel it drown

Why does it seem that the evil is still present, whispering horrid lies that only a child can believe

It’s atepa up to the bedroom, always at the darkest of night Can feel the terror take hold again but never will I cry

Why does it smell of putrid rot, the cleanliness gone quickly now. As days release follows nights new shame, I hate this feeling from inside of me

It’s past the hope no tears to cry, pain is it’s own pleasure in my self denial. As memories sneak through movie scenes. My breath is gone and fear takes hold from deep.

The acrathcing starts to claw away, what’s buried long past memory. The sensation numbs and kills my sight, where horror holds there is no fight

When right is wrong and wrong is a voice , fear makes no sound during the dark of the night. When morning cones swarmed by the filth, self hatred grows as hope is killed.

Where living death, takes away all grace. Where growth and youth loose time and place. The walls built up left no safe way. In or out the mind is a maze.

This terror of childhood through movie scenes. Where fear makes no sound as it consumes me

With out you

With out you, I feel so empty. My happiness is gone and I’m left with the nightmares and reality of my world alone. The doubts and dread I feel are directed to myself and I can’t figure out what and if I’ll ever be enough for your perfection. What is this place, where is my taint? Where is the beast you calmed away? Literally standing on the edge wishing I could go and jump till I find that place that I’m at when I’m with you. How is it that my heart can be yours so quickly again, how can I know that each time I’ve lost you I’ve always continued to wish that you’d come back and be mine.

It’s not even pain it’s numb, dumb, its a pit I can never climb away from. And this place is so grey in my mind and the maze. It’s only been one day. The text’s there flying out, and the fear is beginning to consume again. Why the hell can’t the love last longer than the weekend? Why am I always here wishing I could be everything you want and need? Why do I wish I could let out the tears and wash away the past. Cause you don’t even remember me right, but your right I’ve always been there. No matter the names that change and the days that fade. My memory of you is the shinning star of my life. Cause you’ve always held my heart and you always will. But me I’ll never be more than a blink in your eye

I dont know how to feel about you

Why should I trust anyone when all it ever seems to do is break me apart and burst in my? Scarring and tearing at everything good left in my day? Why should I open my heart to anyone, when every chance someone gets they add another scar to it? Why should I look at your smile, and smile back when your just gonna make me cry? Why Should I have any feelings or admit to them when you’ve already said it means shit. What is it you see when you look at me? Cause when I look at you its a happy thing. Love this feeling I get inside better than drugs, its such a pure high. But none of it matters what I see, what I think, what I feel. Cause your already gone, and you aint comin round me no more

How is it that this feeling inside has grown so much yet you continue to lie and cheat and deceive me every chance you get? How is it I can fall for your charm, your sincerity and your kisses, when in the next instant your acting like I dont even exist. And its messed cause I’ll be happy thinking about you all day, heart fluttering and beating away. Anticipating seeing you and kissing your face. Then POOF just like that your disrespecting me again. So what do I do? What can I say? I’ve given it my all and it continues to blow away

Toothless Useless Mr. Ruthless

I must confess this is too much stress, the games you play how you change everyday. Hasn’t even been 3 weeks and it already creeps, inside like a disease telling me to get gone today. And like a drug and thug I fell into your sway, figured I could keep it tight stay ahead of the game. But your a child, a toddler you need to be babysat. You can’t stick with anything your just a waste of my time. These constant bickering and temper-tantrums got my head ready to explode. Cant think straight your fucking with my game, costin more money than you could ever be worth. And worse is its plain to explain yet I keep running back, to your lies your bull shit and your cheating ways.
Fuck I gotta let go, your no good for this queen, a bug acting like a thug in a game you cant play. Your a scrub living at home cant get a hold of any common sense. You got nothin in your pretty head and nothin in your future. Your a sorry excuse that I’ll work with some day. A drunk who’s lost it all, cant even keep a place. Your a tool and a fool and your wastin your days. Cant even plan for tomorrow your so fucking insane. You jump around, in a constant circle, never gettin now where. You leave tracks like cracks, your so much heat your blazing. Your a joke, and a hoax; you aint a man in this game. You got nothin your a fall, the person to blame.
Mr. Ruthless? Your toothless, and useless, it’s a waste to even try and explain. You cant even step up or get up and give your head a shake. Your takin steps and threats where there nothin even their. Your wasting life and the right for a mountain of strife. Your running faster than road runner, cept you can’t seem to see. Your heading straight for the edge, and like fuck your takin me. You cant cope, you ain’t dope; and its easy to see your a fly on my back and its time to swat you away.
Cause Im the number one, most loyal bitch can be. And I aint wasting my future on someone who’s just hanging around. Taking shine, from my light; like a little leech. You wont stop and take perspective, little virus in the way. Your a flake, your so fake; hope one day you will see. When Im rich and on top, me and my babe’s King and Queen. When we flash and laugh all the way to the bank, working hard and making paper we wont even see; a bug like you bummin around with out anything. So I’ll thank you now and count my many blessings, that I didn’t get roped into taking on the excuses your producing, the useless toothless Mr. Ruthless thank fuck this is good bye

Jesse to Me and back again

Jesse to Me and back again.

What we give

What we give.

What we give

Watch and see, everywhere the things we give and take as mothers and children. As I watch the recreation of a mother life sacrifice to save her child. Wonder what beauty I could have imparted more on my beloved hearts. Wonder each day what their doing, how they are. If I’m in their heart as much as they are mine. Close my eyes and can remember their smile and smell, the feeling of holding them to my skin. Their purity and souls warmth. Remember bright eyes and small featured smile. Laughter and joy and pain and growth. But most of all I remember their loss. The part of me, two small precious things; that grew with in me and then with out. I remember the tears and fear and sorrow from the fight. I remember thinking this isn’t right. I’ve missed so much, and wish I hadn’t. Wish I could give more to you, so much more than I can put into words. I think of what I’ve given to them. First my body and health, a willing gift to help them grow. Then all of my soul and heart, in love from the start. Then my determination and fight, struggled just to feed them right. Then I gave my complete ability and resource, fighting to keep them in my life. Now I give my memory and heart, as I continue the fight to bring them back to my light.

But this is just one side, because the gifts are also received. By the beauty of their life and presence that was what completed me. Each day waking to them, seeing their love reflect back at me. The gift of watching them learn and grow, overcome every obstacle. Their interest and insight, they way intelligence was their right. Knowing and wisdom, such small beings so fully aware. The sounds of their voice, the words they chose. The playing and gaming and kids tv shows. The way they always needed me, then watching them have independence. Their honesty and sweetness, the way they could show; how much they learn and absorb each day.

Back and forth they give and I get, then I give and they get. Now instead I carry them in my heart, carry them in my scars and body still. My reminder everyday. The challenge myself and bring them back, to impart again our gifts.

Bored by Boredom

I sit here glancing and chancing so much well I work

Sheer boredom consumes me, I wish I could flirt

with myself in the sun attract the dumb and blind them with my brilliant smile

Run Run Run little hamster!

My brain it spins as I sit and do nothing

Nothin Nothing Nothing

It never seems to change

the days have blurred together

its all the fuckin same

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